How Are You?

If you are reading this, it's likely because you asked me how I am doing. I don't know. I don't really keep track. But I got you to go to this link. And now you are in my maze of wonders.

I want to break my response down. Alexithymia is the inability to identify and describe emotions. I have it. So does ten percent of the population. The reality is that if you ask someone who has it, they will probably just say, 'Fine', 'Good', or some other generic response.

Maybe they are lying to make you feel good. Maybe it's a habit and it's not a conscious thing. I am telling you that I really don't know how I am doing at any given time. I could find out, but it would require energy, and introspection, and I probably don't want to do that with my morning.

I experience emotions different than most people. It doesn't make me less of a person, or in need of help. I am just wired differently. I am not broken. I am just different. It's been like this my entire life.

Quite frankly, I don't care how I am doing. I don't care how you are doing. It's not personal. But let's not build a connection on lies and weak foundations. Here are some alternatives to 'How Are You?' From this article on https://weshouldgettogether.com/blog/how-are-you-alternatives.

IN A CONVERSATION + YOU’RE KEEPING IT BRIEF

• What's shakin'?
• What's the vibe today?
• What are two emotions you're feeling right now?
• What's one thing you're looking forward to?
• What are you feeling in this moment?
• What's top of mind for you right now?
• Did anything make you smile today?
• How did you take care of yourself today?
• What have you been listening to?
• What did you do today?
• It's good to hear your voice.
• I've been thinking about you.

IN A CONVERSATION + YOU'RE READY TO DO SOME DEEP LISTENING

• What would you like to talk about or not talk about today? (Bonus points here for asking for consent!)
• How's your heart today?
• What's alive for you in this moment?
• What's your day (or week) been like so far?
• What's on your mind this morning/afternoon/evening?
• What would make this a good conversation for you?
• Is there anything you need right now?
• What's in your tabs these days?
• What's something nice you did for yourself this week?
• What's one thing you're looking forward to?
• What did you do today?
• What's your current coping method?
• What's something you enjoyed lately?
• Has anything been on your mind that you'd like to talk about?
• Is there anything you'd love to talk about today?
• What have you been thinking about lately?
• Want to take three deep breaths together?
• What's one nice thing you did for yourself lately?
• What topics are on or off the table today?
• How have you been sleeping?
• Is there anything you need right now?
• If we could talk about anything you wanted, what would it be?
• I really appreciate you being in my life.
• I've been looking forward to talking to you.
• I care about you.
• I'm really glad we're friends.
• Something I really appreciate about you is…
• I miss you so much.
• {…just listen…}

IN TEXT MESSAGE:

• Review of The Better Conversations Calendar/Kit by Lillian S who say she loves it
• Review of The Better Conversations Calendar/Kit by Lillian S
• Thinking of you ❤️
• Thinking of you [plus a cute gif]
• I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you need anything at all.
• Sending you a lot of love today. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
• Hey friend, thank you for _____.
• Special option for a friend in crisis, submitted by my buddy Liz Fosslein, author of No Hard Feelings, Big Feelings, and illustrator of the popular @lizandmollie Instagram. She suggests saying: "Here are four ways I can support you right now, you tell me which ones you want today, tomorrow, or save for later. 1. I can call you to talk, 2. You can text me at night if you can't sleep, 3. We can go for a walk, 4. You can come over and hang out."

Here's an excerpt from the article that I think is really insightful.

During the midst of the protests after the police murder of George Floyd in June 2020, a lot of people wanted to know how to support their Black friends, so I wrote a resource for how folks could do that.

One of the suggestions in it was about avoiding the overly broad question “How are you?” which can add stress to an already stressful situation. Of course it’s perfectly natural to care about people and to be curious about their wellbeing. Your concern and curiosity are the marks of a good friend. But in a lot of my circles, there’s been talk lately about people’s exhaustion with the question “How are you?” so this week I’m sharing some additional perspective about why that's happening, plus giving ya some alternative ways you can check in with friends.

Why the question “How are you?” has issues (2 min read) Illustration of Mood Swings by the talented Liz Fosslien. The swing says things like, "This will be over soon. This will never end. People are amazing. People are the worst. I can't sleep. I can't wake up."

I’m sure there’s at least one raised eyebrow out there right now. You might be thinking, “How on earth could someone not like the question ‘How are you?’” Thank you for asking.

It’s too vague. At any given moment, I’m swimming in a cocktail of conflicting moods because: I’m trying to survive in a global pandemic, fascism is on the rise in the United States, I’m teetering on the edge of hangry and worried that 50% of Americans won't vote in the upcoming election, oh, and I just received the sweetest email from a reader that made me cry tears of joy,… so which one of these is the answer to “How are you?” The answer is: “I don't know, but probably a lot.” 🥴 Cultural norms dictate that a single, short, positive answer is expected like “Good” or “Fine.” But “fine” is kinda a garbage answer. I’ve even heard a joke that fine stands for “F*d up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.” Sounds accurate. 😂 Hearing “How are you?" can be especially triggering during times of crisis and stress (a.k.a. RIGHT NOW) since any reasonable person oughta be able to make an educated guess that someone’s feeling stressed, worried, or overwhelmed. Asking a chipper “How are you feeling?” when the sky is falling can sound slightly out of touch. “How are you?” assumes that the other person needs to explain themselves to you when they may not feel ready or open to doing that. There’s not really a graceful or easy way to say “I don't want to answer that question” without coming off as rude so you’re pressured to give some type of answer even if you don’t want to. (I believe we always deserve the right to opt out of any question that's asked, but that's a topic for another blog post.) When asked “How are you?” over text message, it’s even harder to answer fully since SMS is designed for minimal short responses, and the full, true answer probably doesn’t fit neatly into a single short phrase. (I might be the only weirdo here but getting asked “How are you?” over text is actually strangely triggering for me because it’s completely impossible to fully answer via text, and the act of silencing or squashing how deeply I’m really feeling just makes me feel worse.) “How are you?” is just a habitual phrase that a lot of people toss out when they’re not really interested in listening. Have you ever had someone ask “How are you” as they walked by, and before you could open your mouth to reply, they’d already walked away? Yeah, me too. Doesn’t feel awesome. #JustSayHi