Today I had a really bad asthma attack while at the apartment with her. It struck me when she once asked if I was dying or having an asthma attack. What I really needed was a comforting "Do you need anything from me right now?" I feel incredibly alone despite knowing I'll be okay. I even asked her to turn the music up because I had no voice, and she got frustrated. I lacked the energy to deal with it. Thankfully, she stopped yelling when I asked her to. That's some progress, I suppose.
When I'm in distress, I need calm. Passive-aggressive silence isn't calming. Calm requires active engagement. Just sitting with me and seeing if that helps, or asking if I need to be alone, would be appreciated. Guessing what I need is not the same as simply asking.
Monday I worked a full day, and the following Tuesday my recovery was awful. I truly don't understand how people manage 40+ hour work weeks. A week's pay wouldn't even cover a brief hospital visit.
I need a different kind of love. I'm too quick to hope someone will rescue me from myself. I have a strong feeling that staying with this person will ultimately lead to serious health issues for me.
This all happened on the Fourth of July, a day when I couldn't breathe. When everything feels precious, then nothing truly does. Urgency often stems from someone else's priorities. I saw a telling phrase in the Family Dollar bathroom: "They have no god but money." If I could manifest my intentions into reality, what would they be? Our present actions have lasting consequences. Any story can be viewed from a different perspective. Is anyone out there listening?
We need a sense of belonging. Like attracts like. There should be a balance of give and take. When we mix observation with judgment, people tend to perceive it as criticism.
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