Dear Readers,

Today’s letter comes from someone grappling with a deeply painful family divide. It’s a situation many can relate to, especially in a world where political and ideological differences can strain even the closest relationships. Here’s their story, followed by my thoughts and guidance.

---

Dear A. A. Chips,

My biological father has been in my life for most of it and has otherwise been a loving, providing parent. He supports politically something that is so awful I haven’t been able to bear talking to him, and I don’t know how to communicate anymore. He supports a political movement that directly wants all members of a minority group to die, believing they are scum and animals unworthy of life.

The problem is that many of the people I care about belong to this group. No matter how I attempt to bring up an intervening conversation or push back, there is this thick guise of denial and deflection. If I bring it up in any form, it gets flipped and turned on me. I’ve given up on trying to communicate and now ignore messages. There is no way to see past this for me.

This belief system he has held his entire life has actually harmed me in ways he is unable to comprehend the scope of or even understand at all. I have no idea if you are capable of reading this situation and offering guidance, comfort, support, or resources, but it’s worth a try. The closest comparable phenomenon I can chalk it to is that of people losing family members to disinformation cults like QAnon, but even that doesn’t quite cut it.

Can you offer some words of support or guidance?

— Heartbroken and Lost

---

Dear Heartbroken and Lost,

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing is an incredibly painful and complex situation, and it’s clear that you’re carrying a lot of emotional weight because of it. It’s heartbreaking to feel disconnected from someone who has otherwise been a loving and supportive parent, especially when the divide is rooted in something as deeply harmful as hateful beliefs. You’re not alone in this kind of struggle, and your feelings are valid.

Reflecting Back What You’ve Shared:

  • You’ve described a father who has been a loving and providing parent for most of your life, which makes this situation even more difficult because there’s a history of care and connection.
  • At the same time, he holds and supports a political ideology that is not only hateful but directly threatens the lives and dignity of people you care about. This ideology is so abhorrent that it feels impossible to reconcile with the person you thought you knew.
  • You’ve tried to communicate with him, but every attempt is met with denial, deflection, or even blame directed at you. This has left you feeling unheard, frustrated, and emotionally exhausted.
  • His beliefs have caused you harm, even if he doesn’t understand or acknowledge it. This adds another layer of pain, as it feels like your suffering is invisible to him.
  • You’ve drawn a parallel to losing family members to disinformation cults, which resonates because it involves a similar dynamic of ideological entrenchment and the breakdown of meaningful communication.

Offering Guidance and Support:

1. Acknowledge Your Pain and Boundaries It’s okay to feel grief, anger, and confusion. You’re mourning the loss of the relationship you once had with your father, and that’s a profound kind of loss. It’s also okay to set boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being. If engaging with him on this topic is too painful or unproductive, it’s valid to step back. 2. Recognize What You Can and Cannot Control You can’t control his beliefs or actions, but you can control how you respond and where you invest your energy. It might help to focus on the relationships and communities that affirm your values and provide support. 3. Seek Support for Yourself This is a heavy burden to carry alone. Consider reaching out to friends, support groups, or a therapist who can help you process your emotions and navigate this situation. There are also online communities for people dealing with similar family dynamics, such as those estranged from family due to political or ideological differences. 4. Consider the Possibility of Detachment (If Necessary) Detachment doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you prioritize your own well-being over trying to change someone who isn’t open to change. If maintaining a relationship with him is too damaging, it’s okay to create distance. This is a deeply personal decision, and there’s no “right” answer—only what feels most sustainable for you. 5. Explore Ways to Channel Your Feelings Many people in similar situations find solace in activism, art, or other forms of expression. Channeling your pain into something constructive can help you feel empowered and connected to a larger purpose. 6. Grieve the Relationship You’ve Lost It’s okay to grieve the father you thought you had or the relationship you wish you could have. Grieving doesn’t mean giving up hope entirely, but it can help you process the reality of the situation.

Resources:

  • Books: _“I’m Right and You’re an Idiot”_ by James Hoggan explores how to communicate across deep divides, though it may not fully apply to hateful ideologies. _“Toxic Parents”_ by Susan Forward might also offer insights into setting boundaries with harmful family dynamics.
  • Support Groups: Look for local or online support groups for people dealing with estrangement or ideological divides in families.
  • Therapy: A therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop strategies for coping.

Final Thoughts:

You’re clearly a compassionate and thoughtful person, and it’s evident how much this situation hurts you. It’s not fair that you have to navigate this, but please know that your feelings matter, and your well-being matters. You’re not alone, and there are people and resources out there who can help you through this. Take care of yourself, and remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own peace and safety.

With warmth and understanding, A. A. Chips