It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Susan is hosting me and I'm sleeping in the guest room. Currently I am on my trip to Maryland. It's too hot for the car. This heavy weight is keeping me awake, bringing me tears and a familiar backache. The same one from mom's story last September at dinner. The one that left me with a really awful pit in my stomach since. I don't want to go to my sister's wedding right now. I don't want to go to my cousin's wedding in Scotland. Even though I always wanted to go to Scotland. I'm longing for authenticity in my life, and the idea of wearing a tuxedo, and falling into my old family role pretending everything is alright is completely dreadful. I'm still healing from my spine disc slipping last January, and I generally am sleeping 12+ hours a day. The lack of respect for boundaries while with them makes my back worse. I'm not arguing with back pain. Self-preservation is more important than everything else right now.
Last month my relationship fell apart. I did my best at clear communication, advocating for my needs, especially for calmness when I'm overwhelmed. I helped her with whatever she needed for her chronic pain, but when it came to quiet while I was overwhelmed, it was like I was asking for too much. Verbal attacks and beratement. I can't do it. no patience. No balance. Intimacy went from consensual to pressured and coerced. I didn't matter. My needs didn't matter. She would be an asshole while in pain, which was all the time with Fibromyalgia. It was incredibly controlling. I kept detailed records of communication and visit notes with her child. We agreed that I would gladly give her copies of these notes in exchange for participating in cognitive behavioral therapy like the judge ordered.
My mind is racing and nothing is quelling this pain. This is what happens when I sleep on a mattress.
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